March 12, 2006

Little Funerals

Sometimes you do things that you just don’t mean to do. Sometimes some other part of your brain takes over and does what you don’t want it to.

On the way home from the train last night, I nearly got into a fight with a guy who cut in front of a line of 20 cars at the railroad tracks. I almost got out of my car and marched over to his as he edged in front of us. He lives around the corner from me, and as I followed him home, I didn’t think about what I would say when I said it, but a river of profanity spewed forth from my mouth as I chewed him out for his basic lack of driving manners. It was a stupid thing to do, and wildly hypocritical. In some neighborhoods, guns would be drawn. Even without guns, I wouldn’t do well in a fist fight.

But I wasn’t really that angry about that guy. I was upset about you. And I can’t do anything about it. So I’m holding a small funeral today. For everything that came before. Because even if I see you again, it will never be the same. And although I don’t think I could have done anything about the fundamental problem, I could have behaved better.

So… here’s to the ends of some things, and the beginnings of others. I hope that what comes after this is better somehow, but I don’t know. I just don’t know.